So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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