I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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