Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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