Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
