The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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