me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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