Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize