My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
