your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
