Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
