my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just gift wrapped bread.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize