Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
