I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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