Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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