really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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