I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
