We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
