I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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