I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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