You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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