"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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