i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize