I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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