the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I want a musical about memes.
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