roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
