her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize