My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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