Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
