I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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