I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
