This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
