As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
