According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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