she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
