Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize