She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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