Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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