Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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