well I can't set my house on fire every night
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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