My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
