toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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