We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
