dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
