if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
