Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
