At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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