dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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