I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
