I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
