I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
