So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
