real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
