just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
