Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
