my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
