Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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