Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
