There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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