I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
