What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
