All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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