Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
