I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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