I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
